There was a woman with three virgin daughters.
She set them up with three men to take their virginity. So on that night, the daughters were each in a room. One was screaming, one was moaning, and one was quiet.
The next day the mother gathered her daughters and asked the first one,
“Why were you screaming?”
“Because it hurted,” she said
“Why were you moaning?” the mother asked the second one.
“Because it felt good,” she replied
“Why didn’t you say nothing at all?” the mother asked the third one.
“Because you told me not to talk with my mouth full,” the third one responded,
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, “OK, now what?”
Two ******** are out hunting, and as they are
walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole;
I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something
down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "Here's a old RailRoad Tie", give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and
two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer,
"You fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said, "That's impossible! I had him chained to a RailRoad Tie!"
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see anyone....
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,"Pick me
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you."
"Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman
you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious
and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said
kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word...
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me…
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'
I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?
He said, 'Let's drop by my place; it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ....
Followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going ?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation ?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this ? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob ?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story?
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."
"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."
"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.
What can I do for you?"
The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."